101 days of yoga

Day 101

2009-05-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

Today marked my 101 days in a row of yoga. I started this challenge soon after I got back from the yoga competition in L.A. I was so inspired by all of the men, women, and children competing on stage and how far they had stretched themselves with this practice. It is truly amazing what yoga practice can do for people. Go to www.yogacup.com to see some incredible performances from last years winners.

So, what have I learned from all of this?

I think the beauty of going everyday is realizing that you CAN arrange your life to have a daily yoga asana practice, there's really no excuse. Now, whether or not you want to that's up to you and what your personal goals are with it. What I always heard when I first started was "3-4 will help you maintain, 4-6 will help you progress, and every day for 60 days straight in the beginning will change your life".

Has my life changed since doing the challenge?

Life is always changing. I definitely learned that I can not control the ups and downs of life. Some days all you hear is good news and some days it's heart break after heart break. But when I do yoga, the bad news and the heartbreak is more like an "excuse" to go deeper into myself and find the real source of well being. Then I realize that my happiness is not really dependent on anything but my own ability to find joy in living. I suppose I knew that before but now it's something all of my cells know.

What was the hardest part?

The hardest part was not being critical of myself in the mirror and to accept my body as it is. There is a wisdom in the body that the mind can not know (immediately) and sometimes I wanted to jump to judgement about being too "whatever" I was dissatisfied with that day. Today was the first day that I looked at myself as a finely tuned machine and thought What a beautiful thing my body is. I think as women (and men too) we are trained to expect someone else to tell us that, and we end up making ourselves very vulnerable to harmful situations and people when we look for that truth outside of ourselves in the world. There are lot's of things that want to exploit us for money. The world is diseased right now. The key is to know our worth in our hearts. I think yoga is the best vehicle for this. If we plant this seed from the beginning, then we will only want the best things for ourselves in life. We would never do harmful things to ourselves or others. We would not accept it or have any energy toward it. Bikram says this yoga makes you, "bullet proof, sex proof, emotion proof, money proof". Strength from the inside out.

So my motto coming out of this is: Stay strong. Keep going to yoga. Never give up on yourself. Always be kind to others. Serve yourself, serve the whole world.

Thank you all for reading my blog. I am really grateful to live in a country where there is free speech and I can write a blog about my yoga experience. All of everything that I wrote has been my own process so take it with a grain of salt. Take what is helpful and leave the rest. BLESSINGS to all~~ May everyone who reads this find energy towards transformation. You already have everything you need to heal your life.

I am signing off!

Day 100- Challenge complete!

2009-05-23T18:06:00.000-07:00

Today my challenge was officially complete, tomorrow is the "cherry on top". Today I am philosophically dumbfounded I don't know what to say about this being the end of my challenge. It has come sooner than expected because I lost count. If it weren't for the blog I would not know where I was. That being said the blog ends tomorrow at 101 days. Monday is going to be my first day of no torture chamber. It is because I am going to the beach. It will probably take me a while to realize how I've changed by doing this challenge. So far so good. I am happy with how my body is. It is stronger than it has ever been. I've had several breakthroughs in my poses. My health has finally normalized. At the same time I am also keenly aware of my weaknesses and what I need to work on. I've learned that while I must experience what it is like "to be", I will also always be simultaneously pushing but never arriving in my efforts to be better, more loving, more open, more impeccable.

Day 99

2009-05-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

What, how did 99 creep up on me? I thought I was a day behind, because my estimated day of finishing was on Monday the 25th. Was their a leap year, did I gain an extra day when I did all of those quadruples, what's the deal? Class has been exceptionally hard ever since the beginning of the week. I am definitely on an edge I've never been on before. "Head hurt, hand hurt, hair hurt, goood for you! Your time, money, energy is all worthwhile!"

Day 98

2009-05-21T21:30:00.000-07:00

Just one class today. It was harder than all 3 combined. But I will say that the "pain killed the pain" yet again. I went in with throbbing pain in my left scapula (put a little arnica on it in the afternoon) and came out with no pain. Potent medicine.

I am not being very hardcore about doing all the classes anymore. I had this realization that there is no "quick fix" but time, intensity, and a willingness to change are all one needs. I was humbled.

Day 97

2009-05-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

I taught the 6:30 am. (I had a bunch of people! yay it was great) And then took the 8:30 am.

Weird thing happened after class. I took a little snooze and had a dream. I had to crawl up to this door to get to where I was staying. It was a small round door. There were dangerous and slippery ledges before I could go in. Whenever I had to crawl through the door I was amazed with my strength. I did a heel hook to get completely in, while the door squeezed me. It was like a birth/ rock climbing dream.

Two more classes to go today, time for some PROTEIN... AND lot's of water.

Outside of class I am getting surges of heat from "bones to skin"-- like a hot flash.

And my muscles burn. I actually look forward to going back into the heat and stretching, because it hurts more when I am not practicing at this point.

Day 96

2009-05-19T15:03:00.001-07:00

It's only 3 today. ;0 4 is brutal. I hit a wall at 6:30 am, but got back in at the 8:30 am, took the 4:00 pm and 6:00 pm. My first two were HARD, the hardest I can remember. I was stiff, my mind was resistant, it was sooooooo darn HOT. Then, something lifted and I broke through to the other side. My postures are definitely not my deepest, but my breathing is at it's best and my willingness is HIGH. The body will do anything, just as long as you surrender the mind, take care of it, drink lot's of water, eat good, don't abuse it with thoughts about how it is too fat or too whatever. We poison ourselves when we think those kinds of thoughts about such great machines (our bodies). Wisdom of the day: don't drink the poision, just keep going to yoga, stay hydrated, and SMILE, you're alive!

Day 95

2009-05-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

Last night I had to sleep a part from my beloved. It was the only way I was going to wake up at 5:45 for yoga. I boiled some water, made miso, drank enough water until I felt nauseous, and headed out the door for the 6:30 am class . After the 6:30 am class, I did the 8:30 am. Then I took a walk, got a kombucha and now I am here drinking miso again and typing my blog. There were definitely points in my practice today where my mind started screaming "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?" (actually it was more like what the F@#@#!@!$ are you doing?) but I also experienced a tremendous amount of focus and determination. My second class was probably my most focused class in years! I think once you get to a certain point, going everyday is not enough, you have to TURN it UP. My teacher Esak, always said if you experience a "break through" that means you have to work that much harder. No easy way. Like I've said before and my favorite Bikram quote, "the right way is the hard way". There is of course a tremendous amount of joy in working and striving, and learning how to be peaceful while simultaneously "killing your ego".

A funny/weird thing, happened when I walked out of the studio, this crazy drunk man passes by me on the street, points and goes, "You're going to hell". I thought he was going to say because I practice yoga (because I was just walking out of the studio) but instead he goes, "for messing with my son Daniel". There's nothing like getting pointed at by a crazy drunk guys, after 2 doubles, on the first sunny day in weeks. At that moment, I realized two things: 1) one we're all kind of crazy, because we all think these kinds of things in degrees and 2) two I don't have to take on any more craziness, that being sane means saying "no" to other people's craziness (and just tending to your own) or at least letting it slide off of you. What separates most "normal" people from the drunk crazies on the street is just ONE thing, we don't say what our thoughts are to other people! But, all thoughts in "the monkey mind" are crazy. I have never met a sane monkey mind.

Anyway, four classes in a row: Mission Completed ;0

Day 94

2009-05-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

"Medicine and illness cure each other. The whole world is medicine. What are you?" -Ummon

Last day before the "killer week". I have been planning to do 3-4 classes (the reason for the "3" is because I have to teach 2 this week) a day for my last 7 days. Right now, my mind is in flux about it, but that will slowly fall away once I am "in it". I've seen it done (at headquarters no less), so I know it CAN be done & and I know that I am capable of it.

Bikram reminded me of the 5 qualities of MIND in his talk the other night:

*Faith*

*Determination*

*Self-control*

*Patience*

*Concentration*

I know "conceptually" what all these mean but it's time to put these words into motion and experience them with my heart and soul. ;0 Change can be fast or slow. You can put what would take years of change into only a few months, a week, a day, or a moment.

Time is only perception.

Day 93

2009-05-16T11:34:00.000-07:00

After my junk fest yesterday (it continued into the late night with Mediterranean food) I can't help but feel regretful in the aftermath. While I had so much energy at the time (sugar) to do a double, today I feel like I am recovering from a hangover. I seriously feel like I was drinking last night-- and I don't drink! The #1 culprit of my feeling bad is probably the SUGAR crash. I was thinking about how this is probably how the majority of Americans feel daily (whether or not they know it) AND most don't do yoga to clean out and correct the stagnation. The body really is a remarkable instrument. It puts up with so much stress and strain from western living.

Day 92 pt. 2 - DOUBLE trouble

2009-05-15T21:09:00.000-07:00

The hamburger, ice cream and pepsi (natural) gave me so much energy that I did a double! Twice the.. err, fun? Here's how it flew:

Aarrrgghhh tummy in... can't hamburger, peristalsis, colon, arrrggghhh...

Lock it out! Lock it out! I see micro-improvements (made up word) from last time I took a picture. All in GOOD time.

Someday through the legs, each and every vertebrae bending!

92- I'll take a side of fries with my yoga!

2009-05-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

When I walked into morning class I wasn't sure how class was going to be. I had felt a bit off after teaching the 6:30 am. First thing I noticed in my body was that I had some edema and poor circulation in my feet! This week I've been eating wheat, have been eating late, and haven't been able to get to sleep very early. I also haven't been drinking much water. So many things to keep in balance. I am just grateful for this yoga. I can walk into a 90 minute class and reverse all my bad habits. Last week I didn't have very many bad habits and I got benefits on another level. This week I am having to reverse "sloth"... pictures below are from a recent HAMBURGER ATTACK!

Look! :) It's real beef. (Local, no antibiotics/hormones)

Big BITE!

All American ;0

Day 91

2009-05-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

I am distractible lately. SO much is coming up in my life. So much to plan and think about for Summer and BEYOND! It is hard to stay in the moment. Even harder to know which is the "right" direction that will move me (us) forward. I have to keep falling back on the knowledge that there is something higher than my "ego and will" guiding this destiny. Disappointments come up. At the time they seem like a big slap in the face. Bikram likes to say, "Turn the other cheek" (Well actually I think Jesus said it first). Guess that's where one finds humility and God. So hard to do sometimes. I think that whenever I want to fight a "position" that that's a good indicator that I am trapped in the drama of human ego. In the God realm, there are no positions (plural), there's only one position, and it's the right position. It doesn't need defending or justification. It just "is" and can exist on it's own, whilst the ego struggles. The higher selves are not dependent on nor connected to struggle.

Day 90

2009-05-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

I took 4 pm. Class was strange. It was probably my "lightest" class. I could not get serious.

Maybe because I was wearing a blue terry cloth head band, that was ever so gently putting pressure on my noggin'. Whatever the reason, I enjoyed myself. Can you believe that?

I enjoyed myself in the torture chamber. I didn't "take it easy, hunny" or slack off. But my attitude was different. It felt good to laugh at myself.

Day 89

2009-05-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

Day 89

I can't believe that tomorrow I will be down to the final 10. I am getting nervous about life after the challenge, already people and events seem to be trying to tug me away from practicing every day. Doing a challenge is a good way to be selfish and say "No, actually my yoga and I come first".

The reason I have not talked more about Bikram's lecture is because I don't think I can do what he said justice. You have to hear it straight from the source, I can't bring myself to try to interpret or translate. What I will say is that he talked about the 8 limbs of yoga. Hatha yoga, what we practice in the hot room, is only one limb (but it does spill over into other limbs). My assumption and what I've heard from various teachers is that you have to get your body strong and healthy, well grounded in the physical before you start diving into the more esoteric teachings. Otherwise it's easy to get lost!

A strong and flexible body = a strong and flexible mind, capable of understanding so much more than we can even imagine.

Day 88

2009-05-11T10:37:00.001-07:00

Day 88

Morning class again. Morning classes are the hardest for me to focus, to move, and to breathe. I guess I should probably stick to morning classes since it's better to work on your weakest point to make it your strength. I am so happy about Bikram's visit. I'll say it again, it was great to see him. So much to be inspired about. He has done so much! It makes me think about how no one can have any excuses as to why they aren't moving and shaking things up. We've all got a spine, that latent energy, and the wisdom to follow the right direction (heart). So simple, yet, hard enough to make things interesting! What a beautiful life.

Day 87- Oh BIKRAM! Oh mama!

2009-05-10T17:55:00.000-07:00

We went to see Bikram last night. It was a fantastic talk in Portland. He was on fire and the happiest I've ever seen him- just beaming! It was so great to see him. He made me cry when he said that motherhood is the highest form of spiritual enlightenment. It is true. To give your body, heart, soul for another being to grow for 9 months. WOW! Happy Mother's Day!

Class was intense, hot, hard, haven't had much rest and ate India food 1 1/2 hours before. Considering all of the circumstances I was dealing with I would say that it went well!

It sealed the experience of Bikram last night. A couple of things "clicked into place" for me. For example all of the triangles there are in triangle pose, and what it really means to stretch "all over, from bones to skin, coccyx to the forehead, coccyx to the neck".

Day 86

2009-05-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

Morning class. Oh how I love morning class, so stiff, so groggy, like pushing my muscles through sludge. Tonight Bikram is in Portland! We're going to the lecture. Seeing Bikram always revives me. He is such a powerful force.

Day 85

2009-05-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

Took morning class. So many wonderful and subtle things are happening. It is a hard shift, disorienting at times, but I am feeling the force of moving forward. Just gotta move forward.

Today in class I read a passage from Bikram's book, he says that the longest distance you have to travel is 6 inches. Six inches from your head to your heart. So much of life has been running around trying to have this experience, or get away from that experience. So much traveling with my feet, took it's toll on my body! I am happy to stay put, for now. Working on this inner travel=

into my heart- EXPLOSIVE & POWERFUL! :) The best trip in the world and it gives you total liberation.

Day 84

2009-05-07T20:41:00.000-07:00

Took the 4:30 class. It was intense. My thighs were burning before class, so I knew it was going to be a hard one. I've been emotional all day. Raw. Lot's of internal shifting.

Looking for GRACE in the midst of turmoil. Always praying that I am making the right-decisions. (In class I may have found my locked out legs in bow- the teacher said something about how I was locking out. Dunno. I was too far into my determination that I have no idea what I looked like but my thighs are on fire/did something extra, so? I may have found the sugar spot!)

Day 83

2009-05-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

I took the 8:30 am. It was a good class. It pushed me right to my edge (the edge of my toes in head to knee actually). So much fear comes up when I am in a new energetic space. I want to fall back in to "safe zone" even if safe zone is not the greatest place to be. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because of this! Gabe always assures me that I am moving forward even if I can't see it or feel it. That's having faith. Gotta have faith.

Day 82- Standing Bow

2009-05-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

I had another one of those strange classes, where 1/2 way through I had no idea what the teacher was saying (sounded like jibberish or a foreign language) and I was not sure what I was doing in a stuffy room on a Tuesday afternoon. Experiencing some type of dissociation no doubt. Those moments I am brought back to "beginners mind", everything as a new experience. I think that that is where *POSSIBILITY* is born. After class I had a green smoothie, kale + apple + filtered water. I am trying to cut down on sugar so I didn't put in any apple juice. It was soooo intensely green tasting. But after slowly sipping it's green froth I am feeling good. Gotta find a better recipe for next time though...

My goal by the end of summer is to lock out my legs in standing bow. I can do splits. There is really no excuse. This posture Dandyamana Danurasana has been my weakest for awhile (because I've been falling out for months, when I know how to stick it- "the right way is the hard way"). I realize it is so good for me! It is about balance and determination and also hormonal regulation.

Day 81

2009-05-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

I woke up "early" this morning to go to yoga. It was a difficult experience. My body felt incredibly stiff and my stomach was ACID. It was like waking up to a new and unusual self. I kept thinking, what did I do yesterday to be having this experience right now? I ate a lot of greens, socialized, rested, and worked on the computer. Why such a problem? It was overall a great day! Then I thought about the minutes between those activities. Where was my mind yesterday? Was I worrying, obsessing, or in-complex?

My answer was yes. I did all of those things, and while they didn't seem to out-weigh the connection to something "higher" I was trying to keep, they were present. Self-doubt, fear, insecurity, all of these things arise. They creep in. It is easy to repress, or ignore those sensations, but that doesn't make them go away. I find what is most uncomfortable at first is to be honest about the state of my mind. When I am honest things move forward. Change your mind in 1/2 a second... then everything else will follow.

Day 80

2009-05-03T18:24:00.000-07:00

Took class, and it was my 80th class. I didn't even know it. I am not a "numbers" person. I can barely keep my age straight. I felt really good. I kept napping before it was time to go. I thought I would be tired, but once I got in the room I had a bunch of energy surge through me. It was a good class. Afterward everyone kept saying how hot it was, but I was actually feeling a breeze. I guess I just felt fresh and renewed! I feel in a lot of ways like a new person.

Gabe and I want to open up a studio! That's our dream. It was the first thing we talked about the day we met (as we were walking down the beach in Hawaii at sunset, TT 2007). Starting the vision is the first step. Letting the universe know that we'll do this service, we just need to be shown the right way! Come on, we're ready. I am locking my knee!!!

Day 79- brush my teeth, do yoga

2009-05-02T12:01:00.001-07:00

I was a bendy girl today. :) Whenever my body is in super flexible mode, it means I have to work that much harder. The beef didn't help me tighten up. My muscles were accessible though.

No complaints. I've been having feeling like I am going to black out in the standing series. It takes me a second or two to be "ok" with the feeling. I notice I have a choice to freak out or to just let it flow through me. It's taken a lot of work to find that edge of "just hold on". It was like my first ever class with Bikram. I thought I was going to die. I knew I was going to die. You gotta feel like you're going to die a couple of times a week in this practice. :) I watched V for Vendetta the other day. V says, "When you have no fear, you are completely LIBERATED." When you die a couple times a week in your practice, you have no fear.

Day 78

2009-05-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

Day 78

Gabe taught a good class! He said I should eat a big hunk of BEEF today cos I was getting a little wispy around the edges. I actually ate it only an hour before class and had no trouble. I think I could only have done that well because I had fasted the day before. Today I've been packing the protein on! I feel so strong when I eat protein, and because I haven't been eating too much food lately it didn't seem to affect my flexibility. Seemed like a good balance for once. I've been reading a lot about "nutrition" and "diets" lately. Everyone has a different opinion. For awhile it was making my head spin!

Day 77

2009-04-30T18:04:00.001-07:00

Awhile back, I jumped numbers. I don't know how exactly it happened, but I've had to back track and verify that I am in fact on day 77. Days don't matter so much anyway, just as long as I go everyday. After 101 days I am still going to practice daily. I have a short trip to Kentucky for a week, where I may not be able to practice everyday, but I will make up for it, either before or after by getting some doubles in and doing my extra practice.

I feel really good today. The sun is out. I got my yoga over with (hard class) and everything is much brighter and vivid. I have been fasting on wheat grass, Kombucha + Body Balance. I know it sounds crazy and people's "red flags" always start to go up around you when you don't eat but the thing is I know I needed it and it's just for one day. It's nice to not be processing and digesting anything today, while I let the flow take over. I had been feeling a bit contracted.

Day 76

2009-04-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Day 76~~ Morning class! Trying to be in the flow. Yoga is the flow. I realized that I have to give up a lot of control in order to be a good (and by good I mean effective) teacher. That means with students and with myself. Really you don't "do yoga". No one does yoga. You are yoga, you do asanas in order to *remind* yourself of that fact. I guess people who can do an awesome pose have enough muscle memory stored up that they just automatically go to that natural state of being. I can do backward bends because I did a lot of bridges and wheels growing up, and then when I first started Bikram yoga, my teacher would hold us extra long in half-moon backbend and camel. People think it's some natural talent. It's not. When I first started Bikram I was stiff like everyone else, 6 months later I had a whole new body

(well it was my body from youth). Anyway, my backward bends aren't that great, I've got a lot of work on lifting my chest. It's all refinement.

Day 75

2009-04-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

Class was difficult. I was not rockin' it. One day up, one day down. Alas! I kept hearing myself say, "I am so tired, I don't know if I can keep kicking out," and "thank god, that's over with".

I would just some kind of consistency of performance. But attachment is a weight in that yoga room, it pulls you down and makes it hard to breathe.

Today I got some great books from the library. One is called "The Game of Life and How to PLay It." It's definitely from a more Christian/ biblical background. It's a really good book to get your mind thinking more "positively". It talks about the subconscious, the conscious, and the superconscious. The subconscious is what has a lot of force but that we are sometimes blind to, we're always trying to bring what is in the sub closer to the conscious mind. The conscious mind is what we are aware of. The superconscious is the divine plan, our destiny, our place, our perfect story, why we are here. Florence's basic message is that each person is here for a reason and through connecting to the superconscious and rising out of the subconscious we can find our journey. She talks a lot about the power of word.

Day 74~~

2009-04-27T21:28:00.000-07:00

I had a rockin' class. I felt revived. There is nothing like this yoga to get the blood pumping, the lymph flowing, and your toxins sweating out of you. Squeezed clean! I feel back in the FLOW again.

Day 73~~

2009-04-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

The days are flying by. Soon Bikram will be in Oregon. I am really excited about my practice because I know I've changed a lot in 3 years, and I know I have this practice to thank for grounding me. Each year the postures and the experience deepen. I am always at my edge in class. It is never boring. There is always something new to be aware of. The process is limitless. Did you know that yogis and yoginis only get better with time?

Day 72- Brussel Sprout Yoga

2009-04-25T19:32:00.000-07:00

Today's Day 73. I have good news to report and that is that my pain issues have lifted. I drank 1/2 a bottle of Body Balance yesterday. I could rant about how great this whole food supplementation is, but I want to keep my posting to YOGA. I think a lot of people (and I've been one of them) see doing yoga as a chore. Their relationship to it, is like eating brussel sprouts, they don't particularly like the taste, but they eat them anyway because someone told them it was good for them. If you do something that you hate because you think it's "good for you" you're going to do more harm to yourself than any of the benefits you could possibly get from it. To nourish yourself with something you have to be open and really feel and believe that it is good for you, despite it being hard. I am not saying that yoga by any means should be EASY. There is a difference between something being EASY and the feeling of being uplifted and enjoying yourself. Bikram says you have to learn to change your mind in 1/2 a second. My work with the challenge has been, how do I make yoga something that I am really revved up about even when I am not feeling it? Little things help, like making goals for myself in each class. Here are some intentions I think about:

Today I am going to focus on my "set-ups", I am going to be super meticulous about every detail. Whenever my arms are over my head in a pose I am going to really focus on squeezing my head with my arm-biceps.
I am going to be grateful to have good people to practice with. I am going to feel as excited about where they are going in their practice as I feel about my own journey.
I am going to lock my knee, and when I think it's locked, then I am going to lock it more. (There is no end to how much you can lock your knee by the way. It's like a Zen koan.)
Whenever I see my face contorted in a pose, because I am really struggling, then I am going to soften my face, my forehead and use my eyes to direct my spine where I want it to go.
I am going to smile at myself and feel good about my body no matter what, even if I vegged out on ice cream and chocolate the night before. I am just going to work that much harder to re-balance myself and recover from the sugar over load.
I am going to appreciated how hard this practice is, and find the joy in the struggle. Because I CAN experience struggle and joy simultaneously.
I am going to try to be aware of my posture. How am I standing in the seconds between poses? I am not going to analyze. I am just going to notice I am slouching and straighten up, suck my stomach in, and put my weight evenly over my feet- the balanced way.

A super great article I came across yesterday, about

this 83 year old woman who does yoga. You can go here to check out her story, and be inspired: The yoga supergran who can still bend over backwards at the age of 83 | Mail Online

The picture below is from this link.

Day 71

2009-04-24T20:57:00.000-07:00

Today I realized that I hardly ever notice other people in the room when I practice. Sure, maybe if there is a beginner behind me who's picking their nose or drinking water in camel, I will notice it for a second. I think focus is good and I should always be focused on myself, but I am wondering if you can be "in the room", "focused on your posture", and aware of the greater energetics of the room too for an extended amount of time. This is what training was like. Everyone moving together, one movement. I've never experienced that anywhere but training. I am always aware of teachers and people with strong practices in the room. Everyone else kind of falls between the cracks of my perception. When I am teaching a class I am very aware of who's practicing and who's not. It's not really something I can explain. What I am talking about has nothing to do with how a posture looks, but at the same time a posture will always looks better if someone is breathing, and trying hard. It's a combination of intention, focus, humility, and breath control that really makes a person shine in class. They don't know it themselves, but they are carrying everyone around them with their energy. Then, others starting rising up. As a teacher I am always trying to figure out ways to uplift people. Some people have been coming for 10 years and yet it seems like there's no understanding, no energy, no breath control, nothing is happening in their practice. They seem overwhelmed, bogged down, and deflated. They get into power conflicts and do the opposite of the what the instructions are. A wise teacher once told me, "It's not enough to suffer in class, you have to suffer "the right way" in a pose." What I took that to mean is, localized pain, in the place that each posture works. You can only find this by listening to your teacher! Notice the cute little yoga cartoon that I found on the web of some of Bikram's 26 by a Dutch artist. Notice the red dots showing where the tourniquet effect is happening. I love this picture, I will try to find the artists name...

Day 70~ Perplexed

2009-04-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been having physical pains, *issues* in the tissues (who coined that?). I started to get really mad, because I've been doing EVERYTHING RIGHT:

I eat good

I do Bikram Yoga everyday (sometimes twice and sometimes advanced)

I am in a good relationship

I have a good job- where I don't have to sacrifice my integrity (I can pretty much do it whenever I want)

I take whole-food supplements

I drink GOOD WATER, and still I have pain in my left ovary, and left breast that is driving me crazy. In allopathic medicine they say things get worse before they get better, so I am prepared to hold steady. I am VERY perplexed. So many good things have come from the lifestyle that I have created for myself, but I am not sure what I am missing? Shouldn't I be pain-free? I think about how I've only been doing this practice for 3 years, but that I've probably treated my body like junk for 25 years. I know it takes time to heal EVERYTHING, but today I was bummed, and decided to schedule an appointment with an Acupuncturist for some more support. Acupuncture for the People-- they do sliding scale ($15 a session if you're low income like moi) and the practitioner is suppose to be really good with gynecological problems.

Day 69

2009-04-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

Bikram at the Fall 2007 Hawaii Training

I took the 8:30 am class. It was pretty good. I sweat a decent amount. Not as much as the killer classes of the evening. I fell out of standing head to knee on my right side. I did my left side of standing head to knee- got my head to knee while locked out, came out with control. Standing bow was terrible. I kept wanting to come down too soon. If that happens it's hard to "stick it" throughout the posture- muscles engaged, kicking and stretching equal/simultaneous, y'know... I need to work on patience, and control in that one. I am really eager to make it look pretty and it's taking me out of the process and out of balance.

~*~

Bikramism: "You have to use 110% strength in order to get 1% benefit"

Day 68

2009-04-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

Usually I write my blog AFTER yoga, but today I am going to write it before (I am leaving in a couple of minutes). I just want to write some of the benefits I've noticed so far through Bikram yoga:

greater mental outlook and focus

mood regulation

more energy

greater attraction to all things good for me physically, mentally and spiritually

increased compassion for my self, and others

increased muscle tone/ mass

clear skin and circulation

better respiration when walking, jogging, and biking

continual change of body shape but more importantly a greater acceptance of my body!

better posture awareness

better spinal health (I have corrected an exaggerated lordosis)

more LOVE!

*** Class was great. Another Gabe class. I was drenched during Pranayama. That's when I knew it was going to be an intense class. It was hard but there were moments when I felt so good. I felt like I was breathing so deep. That's what carried me through. I don't know if you can really appreciate what a great thing the breath is until you have the experience of it being the only thing that can help you. Did you know that cancer cells can only thrive in an environment that is "oxygen-poor"? I was reading about this in my Ann Wigmore book. It is the Warburg Theory (he won a Nobel Prize: Otto Warburg). He said that cancer is a mutation of cells that occurs because of oxygen deprivation on a cellular level. (see page 57 of The Wheat Grass Book). One of the biggest benefits of Bikram Yoga is an increase in LUNG CAPACITY. That means through improving your respiration, you are also preventing cancer. Lately in class, when I am having a hard time breathing in the humidity I tell myself, "I am going to breathe into every cell in my body from the top of my head to my toes."

A "yoga class" without breath awareness is acrobats. Yes you will get benefits from doing the exercises, but you won't get the FULL benefits like increasing oxygen-rich-blood!

Day 67

2009-04-20T14:34:00.000-07:00

Morning class. It was pretty chill considering the classes I have been having. I think I even felt a cool breeze at one point. Everything still "hurt like the hell" but I was somehow able to stay on top of the stretching sensation. Morning classes are usually not as hot. Like I said, I've been "wheat-grassing", we have 7 trays for each day of the week. It's been 3 days. I am currently reading the Ann Wigmore Wheat Grass book in order to learn about the benefits. Wheatgrass + Bikram Yoga Everyday the next 32 days EQUALS? We'll see. I am definitely enjoying the support of various forms of nutritional supplementation.

Day 66- Getting Better

2009-04-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today class went smoothly. I felt like I touched my edge but I definitely was not freaking out at my edge. I only ate salad, and wheat grass today which gave me a lot of energy because my body wasn't spending so much time trying to digest. The wheat grass is very subtle. I am really enjoying it. Someone told me yesterday that Chlorophyll acts like hemoglobin and increases oxygen to the blood. I was thinking that that is a great thing for the yoga, because Bikram yoga works due to the tourniquet effect. You cut off blood flow to a particular area, then when you release, HIGH SPEED blood flushes into the area and cleans it. My rationale is that if you're increasing the amount of oxygen in your blood by consuming green foods, isn't that blood flow going to be like a high pressure hose? I am no doctor or scientist, but I do know that I feel good. Bikram is really anti-food obsessed health-food junkie. I think because he sees it as more of a mental neurosis. He says something like, "It doesn't matter what you're eating, what matters is WHO is eating." I agree, and at the same time I like to eat food that makes my body feel energized and good. I've experimented A LOT with my diet in my life. I've been into vegan, raw food, fasting, vegetarian, macrobiotic, bacon-eating and eating everything I crave. I always settle on greens, not a lot of food, and a lot of water. That makes my body the happiest. Tonight I am going to make quinoa, (it is a very cool grain that has amino acids in it) and maybe some fish.

Day 65~ Another killer

2009-04-18T20:43:00.001-07:00

Gabe taught tonight. He is a very good teacher, very energetic, precise, always pushes you to your edge. I had another killer class mentally and physically, but I am becoming more aware of my breath control which is great. I thought I understood it, but each class is like starting at a new place with my breath. It seems as though the harder you push, the deeper you have to find that breath, and the more uncomfortable emotionally it can be. What makes the classes so killer is that I've been going into muscle failure in a lot of the postures- "the trembles". It's good. Like Bikram said, "Your time, money, energy all worthwhile."

In class I began to cry a little because I realized that the pain is endless. That's the 1st noble truth in Buddhism. All of the "wants" that come up in class. Like I want the teacher to open the door, or I want to get this posture perfect, or I want to drink water. The REAL pain lives in the mind- without the mind labeling everything, experiences would just be *sensation*.

Did you know that I didn't even go into yoga for the spiritual aspects? All I wanted was to be healthy. I had my meditation practice on the side that I did and it all seemed very comfortable and smooth. I did have 1 intense "break down" experience on a meditation retreat which is very much like how I experience Bikram yoga, daily, except it didn't lift me back up. It took 3 weeks of sitting 8 hours a day, chanting, and eating rice and soy for me to have total surrender to life as it is (with Bikram it takes 90 minutes). It was not something I was physically prepared for and I ended up getting really sick (upper respiratory, couldn't breathe) and having to stop the retreat. I can go into the yoga room really upset, annoyed, triggered, stuck in a complex, whatever and leave a completely fresh human being, with a totally new spin on things. It's great. It takes a lot of hard work, but you can't find that kind of happiness without digging deep!

Day 64-Wow!

2009-04-17T22:59:00.001-07:00

I died today! I took the 4:00 and the 6:00 pm.

I stood out a couple of postures in the 6:00 pm. It was the first time EVER in my challenge and maybe the second or third time in my entire Bikram yoga life that I stood out of a posture. It was killer. I don't really remember much, a part from my muscles shaking spastically and seeing rainbows where carpet should be. I am a little disappointed that I had so much drama. I over did it! I will say though I have touched a new edge and that that is probably why I had to have such a hard experience.

Day 63~

2009-04-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

Today I felt super heavy on my way to class and then throughout I wasn't the most pleasant person. The heaviness lifted when I started doing Advanced. Now I feel good, but a little fatigued. My upper respiratory thing seems to have gone away !

Day 62

2009-04-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have not had an emotional break down but my body is responding to some "thing"with resistance. I've been having upper-respiratory issues reminiscent of my pre-yoga panic attack days, except it's all the time, not in short little bursts. Maybe it's pollen, or mold, or maybe I am uncovering some huge emotional holding, I don't really know. What I do know, is that the yoga class is helping. Today's class I didn't feel 100%. I didn't feel like I was dying or anything, but I felt tired and distracted. Around this time 3 years ago, I started doing Bikram Yoga in Boulder, Colorado. (Before I started regularly I had take a handful of classes in Louisville, Kentucky when I was 19 years old.) Boulder was definitely a cool place to weave this practice into my life, everyone is so "centered","present" and "fit" in that town. It is also one of the most beautiful studios I've been to with a great view of the Rockies!

Day 61

2009-04-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was wondering why no big emotional body issues came up. At training I cried everyday. During this challenge I had 2 episodes. I have a really wonderful supportive man in my life which is probably why I feel so good emotionally. I always feel very well listened to and so things don't really need to linger inside of me. I say an experience, it's heard, then it's over. No drama necessary. This has not always been the case, I've come a long way through this yoga...

Day 60

2009-04-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

I am at 60 days.

All the changes I feel are very subtle.

I had difficulty finding my muscles in class. It was weird because I've been feeling so strong lately. It was like starting all over again in my practice. People should keep going after 60 days of consecutive classes, 101 days in a row is where it's at!

DAy 59-Brutal!

2009-04-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today, we had a killer class, like it was really hot, and demanding. I kept having this mantra in my mind, "Don't attack the posture with aggression, go into it with wisdom". I read it on the global yoga site, (I don't think I completely paraphrased it right, but that's more or less what the original quote was). I think a lot of times if you're really aggressive going into a pose, your going to get tired and run out of steam, whereas if you just use your bodies wisdom and muscle memory everything pretty much unfolds that is if you have a strong intention in the right direction.

Day~58

2009-04-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

I went to class at 4:00 pm. Gabe taught.

I fell asleep in final savasana. It felt very deep and relaxing.

What I realized today, was that I've been focusing A LOT on what is happening in class, when what is happening to me outside of class is just as potent. (BTW this is an ADENDUM to my earlier post for Saturday). What I will say is this:

I feel very triumphant in my life. It feels vulnerable and scary at times, but the amount of consciousness that I have been brining into my situation has been really good medicine. I am a little shocked that I haven't had more of an emotional melt-down, as I've travelled through the emotional body experience in the last 30 days. I have definitely felt intense, but fleeting sensations. Overall my inner guidance has said that it is more healthy for me to feel the feeling and then remain somewhat detached about the experience. In this way I am not letting emotional pain consume my identity, which feels VERY progressive. A wise woman (my rolfer Mary) once said that our brain is the "youngest" part of us. Sometimes the WHOLE body knows something before the brain gets a glimmer. I think for me my brain sometimes thinks it knows my bodies emotion when really it is just overlapping information on to a unique experience. Emotions and feelings are so vast and mysterious. A part of me is protective of emotions. I want to allowed them to remain ebbing on the surface while wisdom holds the water deep and still. No need to "know". Knowing isn't meant to fulfill a need. [SELF]Knowledge is available when you are ready.

57 dayzzzz

2009-04-10T21:07:00.001-07:00

I did a double. I was dying. Kept having to sit down and take sips of air. I haven't had that hard of a class in a year! I think I was worked pretty hard in the 1st class, so the second one was humbling. May have needed more hydration. Despite 180 minutes of suffering it feels so good in my body right now. Just had 2 shots of Body Balance and now it's time for FISH TACOS! :)

Day 56- Loving & Learning!

2009-04-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

Today I did beginning class and advanced. I drank 10 ounces of Body Balance upon waking because I hadn't had anything to drink all night and we were in a hurry to get to the studio! I knew I was dehydrated. Sometimes I really don't like to drink water first thing in the morning, it makes me sick. I especially don't like chugging water. Body Balance, however, always feels good going down. It gave me a good boost of energy. I didn't drink water till after class and before advanced. By then my stomach could handle it!

Emmy said, when Gabe and I were taking her advanced class in L.A. (in February), that flexible people will invent ways to avoid the pain of going into a posture. I have definitely experienced this! After the first couple of months of doing this yoga, I thought it was easy, can you believe that? I guess I was totally not doing anything RIGHT. Now it's intense and painful, but I have fallen in love with it so much that it doesn't matter how hard it is. I guess that's kind of like a relationship, in the beginning you've got all your hormones and idealism preventing you from experiencing the real juice, which is the determination, and will power needed to give someone REAL-honest-and-good-lovin'. I think a lot of relationships end because people assume that it is always suppose to be like the beginning and they never get beyond that first sensation. It's the constant practice of learning how to love MORE (yourself and others) that is the most satisfactory. I think that yoga helps you to have a deep and loving relationship with your self first. Then, you can begin to understand and have compassion for the world.

Day 55

2009-04-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

Almost to 60-- Bikram says your whole life changes at 60 days-- we'll see...

So far, I am noticing how different my body is from day to day and how the littlest things affect my body's composition. For example eating too many carbs-- makes me too flexible like a wet noodle. Eating lot's of protein makes me feel really strong, but also very stiff. Drinking red wine the day before makes my face very red! It is a strange science experiment to find the right balance, to find foods that support me in the practice.

It seems like all I am writing about these days is noodles and beef!! :) Sound yummy. Comfort food! Guess I really am in my emotional body (according to Mary Jarvis, go to: www.globalyoga.biz, you are in your emotional body from day 30-60)

54 But who's counting?

2009-04-07T18:33:00.000-07:00

Took class and then advanced. Felt strong. Not like a noodle. Very tired now.

Food cravings.

Day 53

2009-04-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

After 3 years of doing this yoga one would think that I'd have mastered the fine line between over-stretching and building strength, but I still have to be vigilant and not go beyond "form" into "depth". Am I going too far in my flexibility and wrecking my joints? Am I not pushing deep enough into my strength? It's so tricky!

My bendiness is back, after being stiff for awhile. Now, I have to be EXTRA careful not to lose my strength!

Fifty-two days

2009-04-05T17:58:00.001-07:00

When I do a lot of yoga, I realize that I don't know what yoga is.

I am however becoming more familiar with the complexities of being Maggie.

Day 51-Mirror Mirror

2009-04-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

The mirror in the yoga room is tricky. We can use the mirror to correct alignment and try to focus on a still point but if we try to "watch" ourselves doing yoga, we are no longer in our bodies.

50!!

2009-04-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

It's day 50, hard to believe I am 1/2 way through. I did a double today, a back to back.

I feel like I am progressing well, but my body is super tight! I am usually like a wet noodle, now I am like a hunk of beef trying to stretch and stretch. It's a strange and unusual experience to be in this new body of mine.

Day 49

2009-04-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

Took beginning and then Advanced. I am a little warn out. A crazy thing happened in Full Locust-- I felt a snap, pop, in my left ovary/ hip area as I was going up in to the posture It was something releasing because now it's fine. It does not hurt. I ended up doing another beginning class today. I feel really good. I found out that Bikram will be in Oregon, yayy!!!

Tomorrow, guess what? I will be 1/2 way through my challenge. I am actually starting to feel like I should challenge myself some more, it really hasn't been that hard to come every day. Yes I struggle in class and I do have bad days, but surely there is more health and wellness to be found. I plan to do a MARATHON at the end of the 101 days-- but it's a secret as to what that will entail.

Day 48

2009-04-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

Day 48-- I took class in the morning with Amy. It was great. Always a different experience energetically. This morning was good, deep, slightly disorienting. I felt a moment of complete clarity and focus, then the clouds returned.

Day 47

2009-03-31T19:13:00.001-07:00

All day long and throughout class I have had this nerve pain that spirals around the base of my left shoulder blade and into the top of my right shoulder. It is a weird twisted feeling. I probably wouldn't be so sensitive and aware to the experience of this in my body if it weren't for the fact that I am going to yoga everyday. I had plenty of opportunities to work with it in the series. Class was good. When I work hard, relaxation is quick and easy. When I take time for myself, and relax, life is better and I have more to give.

Day 46--- Nearly 1/2 way!

2009-03-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

Went to class at 6:30 pm. I feel like I am in my body in a different way than I have ever been before. I don't know what that looks like on the outside. Inside, I feel very at home with the direction of my life, my work, and the relationship I have with my partner. I feel like I've begun this great venture, and I am building a sturdy foundation. The 101 days of yoga is giving me the space and insight to do things right. I've started feeling things shift in the way I relate to the world.

Day 43- 3 hr Drive to Bliss

2009-03-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

I drove 3 hrs from Ashland to Eugene to make it home for yoga. I had to come home for work and other things. I didn't think that I drank enough water all day, so I drank 8 ounces of Body Balance and went to class. I was floating. It was really great to take yoga after driving for so long. I could tell my body was not happy from sitting for so long. My pelvis was pretty tight in the beginning. Afterward I felt soooooooooo good. Breathing is a wonderful thing.

Day 44

2009-03-28T19:24:00.000-07:00

Hard class. But I feel good now. It doesn't matter if the room is hot or very hot. I still sweat buckets. Feeling a little raw, and a little emotional. It is to be expected. I am still in Ashland. Tomorrow I head home for evening class. My life is married to yoga, it is great. I know that many things may happen to me in a day, all of which are uncertain (like today I found $40 in my glove box) but going to yoga everyday, sweating it out, feeling clean from the inside out is always going to happen. No matter what, I am going to get to class, even if it means driving 3 hrs through mountains and hurling past semis.

43 days and still going!

2009-03-27T19:11:00.000-07:00

Today I have to talk about more than my asana practice, because my teaching and my asana practice finally merged into one great big karmic experience. Last night I taught a very difficult class with a very difficult beginner. Instead of focusing on what was so difficult about this person, I am going to turn it back in toward myself and explain what I learned. All day today I've been looking at times in my life when I have pointed the finger at other people, saying that they have made me this or that way, or did this or that, that that was not right. It is the human condition to judge, to prefer, to look for the problem outside of ourselves. Yoga however gives us space from this human condition. We realize that all of our experiences are self-created lessons, that either we can learn over and over again or we can transcend.

I remember having a very difficult time in my early 20's. It involved some misunderstanding of romantic interest on the part of a supervisor at my first job working with foster youth. I don't really need to go into the details or label it as anything, basically I was young, and felt creeped out. My spiritual mentor at the time listened patiently to all of my experiences, concerns and fears, and then all she said was "You have to transcend this". I remember getting really angry at her. I didn't say anything, but a part of me stopped trusting that she had my best interest in mind! (She had my TOTAL spiritual interest in mind not my egos interest.) The little me inside kept thinking, Transcend what? No one is addressing the REAL issue here which is that I am creeped out and I...I...I...I...[the list goes on as to what was going on for me]. My fear grew and the situation, while it was not the greatest to begin with became something that I started running through my mind. I started to think that maybe something much worse happened because the way that I felt and how I remembered it was not in alignment. I started to doubt my memory of events and spent a great deal of time confused and paranoid.

At the same time there was something going on inside of me that was so HUGE and vast that I couldn't even begin to grab on to it. It was so beyond my little me, that it was scary. It was threatening. In these emotions I began creating stories about myself. I already had plenty of stories of what I could and couldn't do, but these were intense stories about my worth as a person. I started to become self-identified with the perceived experiences, even though I didn't even know what exactly had happened! I attracted all sort of messes into my life as a result. They were more or less closer to my worst nightmare and out of line with my deepest need to trust that the world was safe and good. (No, the world is not always safe and good, the universe however is very forgiving)

Then, I started doing yoga intensively and it became my rock. I can see now that so many of my physical ailments at the time were psychosomatic. The lower back pain, the panic attacks, all of it went away, when I went deep into myself and tried the asana postures. A piece of me was drawn to this intense experience. The intensity of the room, the heat, the stretching pain, all of it matched the intensity I felt inside. In that marriage, something was neutralized, let go of, and healed. Going into the hot room and trying your best is not really painful. It is no where near the kind of pain, that holding on to anger, confusion, and unworthiness brings you. That holding is where the pain lives and what we bring awareness to when we step into a class. The space that is created with your teacher gives you an opportunity to see that all of the negativity that you have about yourself (and others too) is not true. Whenever we realize this we move forward!

*********May I keep moving forward as a person expanding my capacity for love and understanding of myself and others. :) That's where my greatest joys blossom!**********

Day 42- At Altitude

2009-03-26T21:32:00.000-07:00

I drove down to Ashland to teach for a friend from training.

Besides a short venture down to Roseburg I haven't explored much

of southern Oregon. The studio here was started by one of Bikram first students.

It is one of the first Bikram studios outside of California. It is not your average Bikram studio,

the floors are wood (i.e. no stinky carpet), and it's heated by a wood-burning stove! Those details are of no concern because the dialogue is strong, and therefore Bikram's presence is felt. I really enjoyed taking class from someone who I went to training with! Anna was great. She felt strong and confident. I couldn't believe she's only been teaching a year!

That just goes to show you, you can pack a lot of years into one year in this practice [whether it's your asanas your working on or your teaching]. It's the Yoga super-highway. All you have to do? Is kill yourself... (figuratively speaking)

I am pretty tired from all of the travel, taking class at altitude, and then teaching.

(But I have prana... and Body Balance to keep me strong.)

Day 41-Early morning drag

2009-03-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

Today didn't feel like a great class. I was barely hanging on. Gabe taught. He always teaches

a good, energetic class, even when it is early early morning. Much appreciated.

I am realizing the need to be humble. I have to be humble as a student, as a teacher, as a person in the world. Humble not a victim. A silent but peaceful warrior ready to lock her knee!

My Body Balance came today, I am stoked! I will have plenty till the 60 day mark.

Day 40!

2009-03-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's day 40... even though the last couple of days have been brutal, all in all, it's gone pretty quick. Today I was not feeling much emotional unrest. I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich a little too close to practice time though, so I felt like throwing up throughout the standing series.

Bikram says that you have to use your %110 strength to gain 1% of progress. I feel that! I am starting to remember how practicing was in the beginning. How hard it was and how one day I went in and I could do the postures better. The hardest part is to not stop there, but to keep going...

Day 39-Twisted twisted

2009-03-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

When they said you start to get into your emotional junk after the 30 day mark, they weren't joking! Last night after class I just started crying and crying. It was not that any one thing felt particularly horrible. I just felt stuck and frustrated in general. Today in class I looked at my body and I've gained a lot of muscle mass! It's strange to see. I feel kinked and twisted in the base of my spine, it goes around to my left hip socket. It's not that I've done something to twist and kink this area, this is a pattern I've known about for a long time! I am realizing, rather than having structural/physical roots, it's an emotional issues. It's super painful to focus on, feels really tight and rigid. It will open up. Just got keep moving...

Latent Human Potential

2009-03-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

My yoga teacher came to visit from Boulder a weekend ago. He gave a demo, and lead an Advanced class. He told a story about how he was in training and this man next to him kept laying out postures. Bikram yelled at him and said "if you don't get up I am not going to let you graduate as a teacher." The man replied, "Boss, I am doing the best that I can." Boss said something like, "You don't even know what your best is."

In class today I was aware of patterns i.e. bad habits. I missed a time in the beginning of this practice when either a. I didn't know I had bad habits, or b. I was still so new that I didn't have any bad habits. To bring no thoughts in with me to that room, to just let go, and do the practice. To tell my mind that "it's ok, I can shut the analysis down for 90 minutes". I can just breathe and follow directions and see what that experience feels like in my body, not moving toward or away from discomfort, pain, joy, or bliss. Living as witness to whatever is in front of me. Not being attached to non-attachment, yet not being in attachment. Walking in between...

DAY 37

2009-03-21T18:27:00.000-07:00

Another difficult class. I was running late and drank a bunch of water only 30 minutes before class. I tried the best I could in the moment, with the card I had been dealt for that class. I didn't leave the room.

Escapism

2009-03-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day I didn't want to go to class. I don't know why. I just didn't feel my usual excitement. Everything in class annoyed me. I guess this is good. I suppose it could be a sign that change is needed in my life, practice, mind, body, something! It has been my observation that whenever I focus on the external things that aren't right, it is because the force inside of me that is the real problem is too great to look at, almost too painful. Today I learned that I need to do some real and honest listening, so I don't escape something profound here!

A Yoga Mornin'

2009-03-19T12:55:00.001-07:00

I taught the 6:30, took Gabe's 8:30 and then did ADVANCED. It was a whole morning filled with yoga asana practice. It's 1:00pm and I am going to take a very nice yoga nap. Gabe has more yoga to go, he's teaching the 6:00 pm. A part from feeling the need for salt and water to replenish my sweat, I am physically doing very well, not as sore as I was at the beginning of the week. I wish I had Body Balance but I drank it all. I have to wait for another shipment tomorrow.

For those of you who don't know, Body Balance is a whole food supplement of Aloe Vera and 9 different Sea Vegetables. It is cold pressed in cherry juice. It is in liquid form so it's nutrients are readily available. Because of our modern farming practices our soils are not as abundant as they use to be, they contain 1/3 the amount of nutrition that was once available when our grandparents were growing up! The oceans however are still rich in good nutrients. The seaweeds they use in Body Balance are harvested from pristine water beds in a sustainable way. If this is a product you would like to read more about or would like to order, you can e-mail me Magstar84@gmail.com. Whenever people taste Body Balance they immediately love it. It sells itself. I always get lot's of energy from it. It is a great thing to supplement a growing child's diet!

Day 34

2009-03-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

~~Day 34~~

I was super tired this morning, slept in and then took a nap too! My thyroid felt super tight and I was having jaw pain. Then, I went to yoga and I am feeling super, plenty of energy, very cleaned out. Doing yoga everyday is like taking a shower or brushing your teeth. I feel more hygienic on all levels- mind, body and spirit. I can definitely tell that I am in my emotional body experience now. I feel old feelings for a second or too, and then I realize that I am born anew each moment. I am so grateful for such a loving and caring partner to stand by me while I go through this experience. It is good to have the support that he gives me. What a gift!

Whoooaaaa!!

2009-03-17T15:46:00.000-07:00

Took beginning and then Advanced. After class I came home made carrot juice with kale and ginger, a big lentil filled burrito and finally took my much anticipated nap.

I am worked, all over, very sore, and very much a noodle. I have a hardness in my stomach/chest that I've never experienced before. I think it is the beginning of some deep abdominal muscles.

I need more water. I am in the process of making yummy soup tonight like Kathy made in Bend.

What's the point of having something, if you don't know how to use it?

2009-03-16T22:10:00.001-07:00

It's Day 31. I have never (in my 3 years of Bikram yoga practice) practiced for more than 28 days in a row. This is a completely new experience for me! I am keenly aware of how much is shifting for me especially within the last couple of days. I am starting to experience the mental changes in myself (fixing the "screw loose brain"). There is a new strength in my mind and my thoughts have power. I feel more positive and physically I feel great. I know that I am shifting biochemical messages, cleaning out old beliefs from the cob-webbed cave that once resided in my frontal lobes. Old memories have started coming up from adolescence and childhood. Times when I felt hurt or attacked. I am letting those experience go, and becoming a warrior.

Gabe and I have been watching Batman Begins (Christian Bale) which has been a funny sync-up with my internal experience. In the movie, Bruce Wayne, explains why he chose the "bat" as his symbol, he says that it is because he is so afraid of bats that he wants his enemies to feel the same fear he feels. I don't have any enemies outside of myself, but something about that was great to hear. I like the symbolism. He finds his power and purpose by becoming what scares him.

Questions that have come up for me in my yoga practice are these: How can I transcend my fear and pain? How can I commune with those experiences, stare them down, not moving away from them, or ignoring them, but seeing them for what they are, and transmuting them into energy to fuel my life...

My yoga teacher/ trainer came to visit from Boulder for the weekend. He gave a great demo. I am always inspired by his practice, because it is so tied to who he is as a person. You watch him and your jaw drops. What an amazing gift to give others, to inspire people to rise above all of the limitations and be totally free, present, balanced and aligned with the universes flow.

Bikram says, "You have so much but you don't know how to use it." I love to experience people using all of what they have, what a powerful, magnetic exchange with the world! I want to do that too!

I am so grateful for this opportunity to learn about myself, yoga, and to be surrounded by such amazing people! This weekend Gabe got back in the yoga room after his 3 week long run with chicken pocks! I was so inspired. He was rockin' which was amazing to see because I know he is still recovering. What a strong spirit he has. I love my yoga man.

Day 30

2009-03-15T19:03:00.000-07:00

It's DAY 30 of my challenge. I did beginning class and advanced class.

My whole body is sore, but it's good. I am building strength.

I have already seen a physical shift in my body. Things are moving and I

am very excited about this process. It is such a powerful thing to go to yoga everyday and to be willing to burn the layers of karma. It's not just physical. In 100 days I am told that you pierce your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual body.

One more...

2009-03-14T11:38:00.001-07:00

30 days tomorrow.

So stiff. Today I am going to do double.

It felt nice to snooze after class.

Back in Eugene

2009-03-13T23:28:00.001-07:00

Practiced tonight in Eugene. Mellow class.

Big yoga weekend= A demo and advanced!!

Looking at my bow leggedness... weird to finally be aware of

what that does to my spine. Feeling a little twisted in the hips, lower back, coccyx-- uncovering a big ol' mess of stuff.

Putting the desire that I would like to untangle out to the universe.

Feeling very grateful for my short little yoga vacation this last week- I feel revived, good food, good yoga, and good friends. More uplifted feelings to come...

It's Day 27

2009-03-12T19:30:00.001-07:00

It's Day 27-- not that counting matters anymore. I feel great.

Back from Bend!

2009-03-12T19:25:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I drove down to Bend, Oregon to practice and teach. I am very glad I did.

It was great to practice at a studio I'd never been to and to take class from people who inspire me. I am so grateful for yoga friends!

Arrrrrghhh...

2009-03-10T20:23:00.001-07:00

I am a nervous wreck, very un-yogic, I suppose. I do feel attached to something, except I don't know what that is. I am teaching in Bend tomorrow and I am aware of the fact that I am putting myself, my practice, everything out in plain view. My mind is spinning and it feels like I am trying to tame a wild horse.

I took morning class for a change. Morning classes are never very intense for me. It was very mellow. Maybe that's a good thing, since last night was so intense. Riding the waves of practice.

Arjuna, what do you see?

2009-03-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

My lesson is about focus and conquering the mind. I waver and then I have to look harder. I have to continually pierce the illusion to find the truth of what is in front of me. I already know that every setback, and every disaster in life is a blessing in disguise HERE to teach about self-realization. The bigger the blind spot, the more promise of enlightenment. Maybe that is why spiritual teachers from around the world migrated to America in the 60's-- they knew, what great potential our ignorance is. I have been humbled again today. I am ignorant. I am in need of more consciousness, more care, and greater growth. I looked at myself in the mirror tonight and said, I am not just doing this for myself (this 101 day challenge). I am doing it for my children, my partner and my extended family. I want to be the best that I can be. I don't always know what image that will manifest as, or how I will feel in the process, but I can't let that striving stop. I can't let myself just be "ok". I don't want to stop at what I've been given. I am here to transform. I am here to extend beyond and then a little farther.

Day 23

2009-03-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

Today we sweated on the new carpet in the studio. It looks fantastic. Paint fumes were a little much to practice in. I high tailed it to the store afterward and got some Kombucha and an IMMUNE system boost packet. I am super chemically sensitive. I had a rash on my stomach during the beginning of class which freaked me out. In the end I threw it all down and just tried to practice hard, to beat the toxins. I thought of Bikram breathing in a coffin underground, and imagined myself taking the 1% of good oxygen in the room and making good use like he must have. It worked cos I didn't get faint and I am still cognizant of the world around me.

I have noticed a great boom to my practice since the senior teacher's class yesterday. It is sad to say, but I am sometimes more motivated by fear than anything. I don't take it seriously, but it does help me ride out my blockages. In two days I am traveling to BEND, Oregon, to take class, get some teaching mentorship and do the teacher's Advanced series. Then, on Friday Esak Garcia comes to Eugene to give a demo. Then another Advanced class on Sunday, my 30th day!

This week I got some Raw Goat milk (Gabe is not into it, so it's ALL for me!) and it has really been helping me out nutritionally. I have also made a couple of yummy meals (sweet potato curry soup). So, basically we've been eating really good. Gotta stay strong.

Day 22

2009-03-07T21:34:00.000-08:00

I took another class in Corvallis. It was great. The lady was like Emmy. She left the room and said that she didn't know how to help us. It was funny. She was really hard on the class about going on "auto-pilot". I realized that I've been overcorrecting my postures, while I am trying to address a sway back and chest collapse. Being flexible is not a blessing in this practice.

Day 21 of 101

2009-03-06T20:25:00.000-08:00

I drove to the closest town with a studio for class today. It is always good to see yourself practice in a different space. It is very revealing in as far as finding where you are taking your practice space and the atmosphere for granted. The teacher was very different than anyone I've been in class with recently. She was one of those silent but deadly types. Very soft and pleasant voice. She never raised her voice much more than a few notches. Still by the end I was worked and sweating.

Day 20

2009-03-05T20:04:00.001-08:00

Day 20...

Tomorrow I have to travel to Corvallis to do class because the studio will be close Friday and Saturday for new carpet.

Class today was not very energetic for me. I wasn't really tired mentally or physically, I just didn't have a lot of extra energy to push myself. I felt really respectful of my body and very much in touch with it throughout. That is something that is deepening in my practice, an overall connection of mind-body. I had pizza 3 hours before class, which I could feel because I couldn't suck my stomach in too much!

Day 19

2009-03-04T20:29:00.000-08:00

Day 19... morning class again. I forgot how stiff I am in the morning.

It was good. Taught 2 classes. The second class much better than the first.

More energy. More inspiration. Less stuttering.

I've been stuttering, it's weird. I never stuttered as a kid.

I had a friend that stuttered. I feel more compassion for that guy.

So much you want to say, and the mouth/ throat gets tied in knots, TWISTED-like

It's like tripping over shoelaces with your tongue and words, consonants, vowels, A-E-I-O-U...

Talked to Ciara on the phone.

They are rockin' the yoga in Kentucky.

Mom is in Seattle doing yoga, too. A big national yoga happening.

Dreams are filled with teaching kids how to do camel pose. Teaching adults how to do triangle.

My unconscious state is preparing me to talk faster, and faster... AND faster!

Live. Breathe. Do Yoga. I am Yoga.

Day 18

2009-03-03T21:29:00.000-08:00

It's day 18. Hard to believe it's been so long and yet I am still so far from my goal.

This week I have only been doing class in the afternoon and I feel a little lazy.

I think it's ok for now, but next week I am going to start waking up early and doing morning classes.

It's not what your yoga can do for you, it's what you can do for your yoga!

2009-03-02T21:43:00.000-08:00

Today my younger brother called me up and told me that he began his first day of yoga. He got gifted a 30 day trial membership for Christmas. I was elated! It's not that I think he needs yoga.( I think everyone could use yoga.) I just think he has a great attitude, is a good person, and could really influence people positively in this healing modality. Everyone has always looked up to him, he is quite charismatic, and he is very athletic. I think he will get hooked like I did, for different reasons of course. I was addressing my emotional issues when I started. I think that he will really find this series to be beneficial to his rock climbing, skate boarding and other extreme sports. I would love to see him compete in a yoga competition one day. Guys have a real advantage in the competition world, there's not many men in yoga, so when you do commit yourself to it, you've got a golden ticket to rock-stardom! Not that that is what competition is about. There is no ego about it, but when you do it, you get to find that authentic and true rock-star, the humble one inside.

Class tonight was good. I felt strong. It was almost effortless toward the end. I had a very hard teacher the last two days, so today was like a walk in the park in terms of discomfort. Still always working on stamina in the standing series.

Day 16

2009-03-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

Day 16

It's so much easier to go every day. Everyday I pick up right where I left off, and this feeling of momentum builds. I don't have to convince myself to go or not. There's really no question about it. Sometimes when I am teaching class or taking class I notice that people "decide" they are going to "not do" a posture in the savasana before the posture. I think that if you have the mental strength to make a decision, then that's a good indication that it's your mind holding you back, not your body. The body rarely holds you back-- pretty much the only way it can, is if you pass out or vomit. I've never done either in class so I can't talk about that experience. But I can say, I've experience everything that the mind goes through in a class to try to escape the discomfort of being at your edge. You have to override what your mind is telling you (the stories you've built from what other's have told you, you are) and rely on something much more ancient, much more pure.

You know it's a good one when you want to leave screaming from the room!

2009-02-28T18:36:00.000-08:00

I had a mentally challenging class. It was hard to focus on my self and my own practice. I kept getting mad at people for doing silly things, like sit out, or drinking water next to me. I am a little embarrassed with how uptight I felt.

I should add that during my 101 day challenge (and always) I do not drink or bring water into the hot room. You don't need water for those 90 minutes. It interferes with the compression postures and breathing. People have water because it is mentally comforting and helps distract them from the heat. If you go to class well hydrated you wont miss water in class. I personally think that it is harder to practice with water. You are always thinking about it ("When will I get to drink next?") and like I said before physically it doesn't help. Drinking water is for before and after class. Since my yoga supports my life, I have made it my practice to make my life support my yoga too, they are interchangeable. So I always make sure I am well-prepared for my yoga time. That is the most challenging thing of the 101 day challenge, going every day is easy, but making sure I do the things I need to do, to support myself to have good classes, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually that is the challenge! I am always learning about the various levels of what this means.

"Hand hurt, head hurt, neck hurt, good for you!"~ Bikram

2009-02-27T20:22:00.000-08:00

I taught a double this morning and then took the 6 pm.

I felt strong in class. Now, my body is sore all over, and my mind is

a little tired. But even still I always feel so good after class.

I am learning so much about each of the postures in every class I take.

Little things that count, that I intuit. Like how to get my arms straighter in 1/2 tortoise, the most effective breathing in rabbit, when to suck my stomach in... it's great! I feel like I am in my prime with this yoga. I am excited to have it be a part of my life till I am very very old.

For yesterday

2009-02-27T04:34:00.001-08:00

This post is for yesterday. I went to the 4:30 pm.

Class wasn't difficult. I feel eager to practice.

I am close to moving through some old patterns.

Day 12

2009-02-25T16:30:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 5 am-- was out the door by 5:45, taught at 6:30 am. Then took the 8:30 am.

By the time I got home it was time for a nap! I lay in motionless splendor for a couple of hours.

It is day 12 and my 15 th class. I can feel my practice supporting my teaching which is a great thing. I don't feel so vulnerable, because I know that I am just a mirror for people, guiding them (or yelling at them?), so they can unlock the latent potential each posture has waiting to be acknowledged.

This afternoon, I got my Body Balance, yeaaahhhh!! I am hooked on this stuff. It gives me a lot of energy. Sometimes when I practice a lot I get easily depleted because I am sweating a lot. This stuff puts the salts/trace minerals back into my system while fortifying my body with amino acids, phytonutrients, omegas, aloe and more!

Day 11- one more reason to lock your knees!

2009-02-24T18:40:00.001-08:00

Day 11 began with myself in slight pain. I have been over-stretching my hamstrings in class, because I have not been locking (engaging thigh muscles) my knees enough in the forward stretching postures. I've been over zealous in the stretch/flexabilty! That was today's realization. The thing I've noticed with myself (and this may or may not be interesting to anyone but me) is that I already have a tendency to over-stretch my hamstrings in my day-to-day posture, and that when I am lazy or tired, keeping my stomach sucked in, pelvis neutral and butt-in is the first thing I lose! The trials of being a human and not a monkey.

Day 10- 1/10 the way there!

2009-02-23T21:38:00.000-08:00

I am at the 10 day marker. I feel good overall. A little tired. Having some difficulty balancing all of the things I need to in my life. What I need to balance is this: my typing work, starting this new biz opportunity (that I am really excited about), of course the asana practice, and studying for my teaching. Maybe it doesn't seem like a lot-but it feels like a lot. While I am super excited about certain things I begin to feel myself get off balance about other things. It's a delicate thing. I have to keep being persistent, and not giving in to those beliefs I sometimes create about what is available for me energy-wise! I can handle a big plate! I know I can. I know I don't need to give anything up to make this all work. One day at a time. I just want everything I do to feed me in some way. I realize that I don't always know how that works. Trust God, be persistent, that is my mantra.

Day 9

2009-02-22T17:35:00.000-08:00

It's Day 9 of continuous yoga practice. I did 2 classes. One was a beginning class and the second was for teachers. Then, I ate a big Thai meal! Yum. It's raining. I've noticed my energy increasing exponentially. I usually suffer from chronic fatigue, but since this challenge I've had more energy, and more excitement! I am taking care of myself very well. I realized today that I really feel a balance in myself that I haven't felt in years. I think the yoga has helped me re-set my hormones which was once a big issue for me! I have found a good system that works. My daily regimen is a combination of:

Gilliam's Cal-Mag, Free and Easy tea pills, Body Balance, and Cod Liver oil. I also try to drink water with lemon, salt and a pinch of sugar or honey to help me replenish. I only drink purified water from my Wellness filter.

:) Another double

2009-02-21T11:55:00.000-08:00

Today was my first back-to-back in the morning since training. It was a little harder than normal back-to-backs. I am not a morning person, and so I have to really push-it to find that little bit of extra energy. In both classes I felt like I extended myself well, and I found some new experiences, but now I am exhausted. I need to eat. Some yummy Indian food will revive me.

The yoga of relationships.

2009-02-20T11:05:00.000-08:00

I love that my man is a yoga teacher. It is really good for our relationship for me to take class from him. One thing is that I trust him, so I listen to what he says (for the most part), and follow along. I trust his presence and his sincerity. I let myself align with his vision of myself going farther than I think I can go. Yes, it's great to have this with all your teachers, but there's a special thing when it's your partner you surrender to, because your life together is about surrender.

Double the fun!

2009-02-19T20:27:00.001-08:00

Today I slept in-- it was my only opportunity, tomorrow I am teaching the 6:30 am. So, instead of focusing on Discipline like I have been for the last few days by waking up early, I focused on Endurance. I did a back to back, that is 2 classes in a row, the 4:00 pm and the 6:00 pm. After the 4:00 pm I felt great and super worked! I felt a whole new level of surrender with gravity. Slowly that has eroded over the course of the evening, which leaves me to believe that 1) I need more yoga and 2) it is a continual process towards living and loving upright.

I wanted to write about my experience in the second class. In the second class I felt a deeper level of love for myself. I felt it so intensely that it was almost embarrassing, or at least I felt my shyness of really thinking that I am AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL. I don't mean to convey that I was having a Narcissus moment in the mirror, at all. I think the main difference between what I was experiencing and narcissism is this, narcissism is like loving yourself in a vacuum; what I experienced was loving myself and therefore loving everyone and everything. It was a startling experience because even though I think I have a healthy sense of self and a great capacity to love, this deepened that in me. I am admittedly very very hard on myself (and others), when I mess up (or they don't live up to their highest potential). It is something I have been trying to bring light on. This experience really pierced through all of that silly ego (because being hard on yourself and others is just ego) and I got to remember something that I had forgotten, that I am GREAT and so are you and everyone! How wonderful that we are all trying to be good humans. What a gift to the universe.

Day 5- 96 more to go!

2009-02-18T08:37:00.001-08:00

Today I did another 6:30 am class. I am getting so disciplined! I am really ready for this change in my life. On top of that I've really been studying hard for my yoga teaching. I am trying to absorb all of this yoga wisdom into my total being.

Early Morning Yoga!

2009-02-17T13:08:00.000-08:00

You know your a yogi when you're living off of lentil soup and waking up early to do yoga.

It felt good to stretch some life into my bones first thing!

It was hard to wake up and leave my honey, especially since it was raining, but during the first breathing exercise I was overcome by tremendous energy and began sweating profusely. I sweat more than ever and it was not even as hot as it usually is in the afternoon class. It felt great! I had boundless yoga energy throughout the morning.

Some people like to condemn Bikram's hot yoga and say that it taxes the body. It doesn't tax the body, whatever fatigue you are feeling is a symptom of your life style. The yoga shows you what you are doing wrong and then quickly sets your body back to normal. I always find that the more energy I put into my class, the more I am able to relax afterwards and then the more energy I have for my day. It is always important to take the final savasana, this is when your body changes! Gabe said in class the other day, "If you don't take savasana, you are going to be restarting at the same place for every class you take!" As he said that I saw myself in a perpetual hell and have been giving myself more time than I usually do. It has been great! You need to let your body change in that couple of minutes after class. That's where the healing comes in.

Day 3

2009-02-16T22:14:00.000-08:00

Today I drove to yoga eagerly. I needed to let off some steam. I worked my "issue" out in the hot room. Through the class I realized the error of my thoughts and acknowledged my feelings of hurt. I can always count on finding a resolution in myself by going to yoga.

I am always humbled, because no matter what, I always find that my heart is meant to stretch wider, both figuratively and physically. Today I physically felt my heart stretch in a very intense way while I was in Triangle posture. I thought my chest was going to rip open. There was rawness there, pain, and protection. It was all news to me. I had not explored that place in myself before. Stretching it open to be seen and therefore changed was something great. Like any wound, it hurts but it is now in a forward process to scabbing!

Day 2-- it's only the beginning!

2009-02-15T20:11:00.000-08:00

Day 2 has been powerful.

I have been traveling a lot and this week has been my week to settle back in

to life in Eugene.

During a nap, I had a dream that I gave birth. Since that's not really where our focus is at the moment, I am taking it to mean an opportunity for a new beginning. I am considering it an inward experience. These next 101 days I will be giving birth to myself.

101 days of yoga

Day 101

Day 100- Challenge complete!

Day 99

Day 98

Day 97

Day 96

Day 95

Day 94

Day 93

Day 92 pt. 2 - DOUBLE trouble

92- I'll take a side of fries with my yoga!

Day 91

Day 90

Day 89

Day 88

Day 87- Oh BIKRAM! Oh mama!

Day 86

Day 85

Day 84

Day 83

Day 82- Standing Bow

Day 81

Day 80

Day 79- brush my teeth, do yoga

Day 78

Day 77

Day 76

Day 75

Day 74~~

Day 73~~

Day 72- Brussel Sprout Yoga

Day 71

Day 70~ Perplexed

Day 69

Day 68

Day 67

Day 66- Getting Better

Day 65~ Another killer

Day 64-Wow!

Day 63~

Day 62

Day 61

Day 60

DAy 59-Brutal!

Day~58

57 dayzzzz

Day 56- Loving & Learning!

Day 55

***54*** But who's counting?

Day 53

Fifty-two days

Day 51-Mirror Mirror

50!!

Day 49

Day 48

Day 47

Day 46--- Nearly 1/2 way!

Day 43- 3 hr Drive to Bliss

Day 44

43 days and still going!

Day 42- At Altitude

Day 41-Early morning drag

Day 40!

Day 39-Twisted twisted

Latent Human Potential

DAY 37

Escapism

A Yoga Mornin'

Day 34

Whoooaaaa!!

What's the point of having something, if you don't know how to use it?

Day 30

One more...

Back in Eugene

It's Day 27

Back from Bend!

Arrrrrghhh...

Arjuna, what do you see?

Day 23

54 But who's counting?